Shutmedown

HI all :)
I havent been here ufffff... In a long time, I really dont know where to start on this.
I am going through a really tuff time right now.. My daughter who told me that she would help me out after I got out of hosp. told me she was busy when I called her and asked if she could come change sheets on my bed! Pleaseee how long can that take a healthy person to do that? 10-15 minutes? Aha but no time to do it... she is very busy with all the kids soccer practice is what she told me. Oh well...
My son Carlos has left, he no longer lives here... His girlfriend had the nerve to come onto my property and come into my gargage after she called me a Terrible Mother and a Crazy Fat Fuckin Bitch! Yeap thats what she called me.. I told Carlos and he just ignored it. Well the day that his GF had the nerve to come on to my property I told her... Get out of my propery! I said... you have the nerve!! ANd of course Carlos ran to her defense. I told him.. she disrespected me and u r disrespeting me also by allowing her to come back here.. He said she tiold u that becuz the way u treated her.. OK>> so I ddint talk to her... after I saw that she was a LAZY ASS SLOB.. she didnt even pick up her own bedroom and bathroom! What does that tell u about her... I was never rude to her and would say bye to her when she said it to me! Even though she was rude to me many times ( I didnt bother telleing carlos cuz he would jsut defend her) So back to that day... He told me u r not going to have me pick between u and her.. I said I am not asking u to do so! But I dont not wnat her in or on my property.. I told him be with her.. marry her if thats what u want.. but not here! So he said he was gonna leave.. I told him well that on you! Ur disission.. so he left. If he does comes he just goes into hir room.. stays about 5 mins the most then he leaves.
So now to my other son.. His wife, who BTW is a Christain and has strong believes... Wont allow me to see my son or my grandkids! Yeap she wont! I send him a text today telling him that I wanted to see them... he texts me back and tells me.. that I need to talk to her OMG!! What does he want?? for me to go on my knees begging to her to let me see my OWN son and grankids? That will nver happen.. Well this is all making me sick to my heart.. I ache so much right now. And I am shutting down like I usually do when I get upset about my kids.
I wish I could just NOTcare.. but I do.. its not easy being a mother.. I thought I had brought up my kids well.. but I guess I ddint.. And I striongly believe what they are telling me and what they think of me! Yeap that I am a TERRIBLE Mother... hell yea! its true.. not only does one of my kids beleieve that ALL of my 3 kids beleive that! AND now to top it off their GF and wife are telling me the samething... I cant take it anymore.. I just cant! I dont know what to do..

Love to all!