Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Regrets... Forgive and Forget

I know most of you have had regrets at one time or another. Ive had many some very painful ones. Sometimes in a rage, or anger or madness we say things that we dont really mean! But later its too late, even though I say I am sorry, its still there and will be for the rest of my life. I have regreted many things. Its hard for me to get over them.. yeah.. get over it, it's easier said then done, when it comes to me. When I say something or do something that I later regret I will apologize for it, once I realize the harm I have done. But I cant forget about it, not for awhile anyway. Now comes forgive and forget, yes I can always forgive but then I can't forget about it. I know I have to move on, but somethings what can be forgiven can not easily be forgotten. I have dealt with this for a very long timeand I am talkinga bout years and years. I have tried very hard to change this in me, but I guess the suffering just takes over and I can't. Back to regrets... One thing I know for sure is NOT regreting having my 3 kids. I love them sooo much that it hurts. I guess you have to be a mom to understand. I lost my parents at a young age and that hurt so much, that I cant imagine ever looseing one of my kids. And I can only imagine the pain and suffering a mother goes through if they ever loose a child, young or adult.

One good thing I do hve to say is that my only daughter has finally come around, and I hope its forever. She has been coming around for about 5 months now. And about 3 weeks ago she apologized to me for the way she treated me before and how she treated me as a teenager. She told me she was young and stupid and now she realizes what I went through and what it is to be going through that. It's kinda sad that she ahd to see for herself with her kids to come to me and apologize. But I'm happy that she finally did. I accepted her apology, ( and BTW I DID NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU SO) I was just happy! She told me that she loved me and I told her I loved her also!

I've been still trying to deal with alot of caca in my life, PH and otherwise. Many mixed emotions and dissapointments. I have still been very sad and not thinking right. But someone has set me straight! And even though she did get me MAD!! And I don't agree with what she did. I am thankful that I have her in my life and I luv her! I guess we can agree to disagree??

Ok enough hope all is well with the rest of you!



Monday, October 5, 2009

To vent or not to vent?

I havent blogged in awhile, I do get reminders to do so, but just dont seem to be in the mood or ble to get around to it. But ive been thinking this is the best way to get things off my chest, mind or whereever they may be lurking.

A few weeks back, maybe a month or so ago. I was in chat with some other PHriends, the same ones as usuall, we were all joking around and something was said to me that I did not appreciate. I was upset, I said nite and left chat. I ended up going to FT and when I arrived there were 3 of my Phriends waiting there for me. I was asked if I was ok, I said NO! they knew what was going on of course, because they were in chat when I left. Anyway I VENTED about what happened! Then word got out to the person that I was VENTING about. She mentioned to of my PHriends and said that I went talking to them about her. So this person accused me of talking about her behind her back. I tried to explian that I was asked if I was ok and I answered, never did it cross my mind that I was going to be acccused of talking behind this person's back. Well this person told me she felt sorry for me and that I was no longer her PHriend because she could no longer trust me.......
Ok, so then I went and accused a PHriend of going and blabbing about what I was VENTING about. And to make long story short. Now this PHriend wants nothing to do with me either. She was really upset about me accusing her, which I dont blame her. She said that what I wrote was lame and she also told me that she felt sorry for me and we could no longer be PHriends. I was accused onnce again of making her ill. The past was brought up, which I thought had been resolved. I did apologize to her, but that did not work. All this got out of hand, I feel I can no longer be the same person that I was. I hurt a few of my PHriends feelings, I got them involved in a BIG MESS. Which I never should of done. I have some other things going on right now, so this has not been easy for me. I am sad al the time, just balling at whatever. I am afraid of saying stupid things. Like this for example. Will someone misread or try to misread and take this all wrong? I think that maybe sometimes its better to keep things inside instead of VENTING, that way you will not be accused of otherwise......